Time to share something personal with you

If you know me, I’m sure you have noticed in the past year I have not been myself. I am usually a very even-keeled, motivated, productive, Type-A person although some may describe me as impatient, time-conscious, controlling, and aggressive. About 3 months after my son was born, I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. This is something that I struggle with on a daily basis. I have to make myself get up in the morning, get dressed, and do the very basic things that I need to do to take care of my home, family and job. I sometimes feel as if I have completely lost my zest for life. There are days where I don’t want to do anything, I don’t want to go anywhere and I don’t want to talk to people. I sometimes feel as if I'm drowning under an ocean of anxiety. I feel as if a dark cloud is swirling around threatening to suffocate me. I like to think that I do a great job of hiding it, putting on that mask… so that no one really sees the real me. My husband has been an amazing support system; he knows that I hide it from others. I doubt that members of my family or his really see the real me. Not many see the struggles that I am going through.



I wish there was an easy way for you to see what goes on inside my head but there isn’t. I’m tired of constantly being sick, I’m tired of the migraines which my doctor seems to think is caused by stress and lack of sleep. It’s hard to sleep when your anxiety is at an all time high. My mind races and I just can’t shut it off. I know that because of postpartum depression and anxiety, I tend to take things the wrong way. I tend to think that people hate me, or talk about me behind my back. I feel as if I am not what people hoped I would be and I’m honestly tired of trying to be something I am not. It’s exhausting.


A lot of things factor into my depression, some of them which I am working on changing. It is hard though and it will take time. There are other things that I cannot control. I don’t mind hearing someone’s advice, but don’t always expect me to take the advice and run with it. I do not like people trying to tell me how to raise my child. I will raise my son however my husband and I see fit, if you don’t like it, too bad. I am also tired of people taking it upon themselves to do something that involves my family (i.e. My Husband, Son and I) and not speaking to us about it first. We decide our future and no one else. I don’t take it upon myself to make decisions for your family, so why do you think you can do it for mine?


I share all of this publicly because I feel it is important to be open and honest about this. This is real, this is my life. These are my feelings.

The List

I love making lists, just ask my husband :-) We have a white board on the fridge with 3 lists that get updated every Sunday night, The "to do" list , a Grocery List for items I don't want to forget and of course a Dinner list because I try to plan at least five meals out per week. Without my Lists I just might be lost.

So I thought today that I will share with you "The List". This is a list of things that I would like to do, see, accomplish or have happen before I kick the bucket.




Rebuild an old car. Preferably a 1968-69 Chevy Camaro SS or Chevelle.

Own at least 15 acres.

Build my dream house on the 15 acres.

Have a clothesline and use it. I love the smell of clothes off the line.

Skydive

Lose all the weight I gained while pregnant and then some.

Drag Race and go at least 200 MPH.

Take more pictures!

See the Northern Lights

Go to Ireland with my Mom, Dad and Husband.

Raise my son to have manners and be respectful (the same goes for anymore children we may have).

Buy an RV and see all 50 states.. (except Hawaii, obviously) National Parks included.

Master driving a manual, I can do it but get nervous in the city!

Be there for my sisters when they get married and have children. They have been there for me and are amazing Aunts.

Bury a time capsule deep in the woods. Write down the coordinates and place them along with the key to open it in a safe deposit box. This will be left for my great grandchildren.

Push my children to excel in school and to go onto college. I feel it is very important.

Live to be 101!

Take dancing classes - ballroom, jazz, salsa!

Continue to have a great relationship with my parents and inlaws.

Learn to sail.

Learn how to fly a plane.

Take karate lessons.

Learn how to play the guitar and piano.

Go Scuba Diving.

Go white water rafting

Take a Hot Air Balloon ride with my Husband

Ride a mechanical bull

Go to Oktoberfest in Munich, Germany

Go to Disney World!!!

See the The Eiffel Tower

Become financially literate.


Create a financial strategy.

Invest in the stock market.

Create enough passive income so that I don't have to work another day in my life.

Become a millionaire

Create a trust fund for my child.

Go on a second honeymoon, somewhere out of the country!

Renew my vows

Pass on a family heirloom to my children.

Write a letter to each of my children telling them what I want them to know about my life and the lessons I have learned.

Swim with Dolphins

Go on a Safari

Continue adding to my collection of Antique Perfume Bottles.

Take my Dad to the Vatican and meet the Pope

Learn to live in the now - forgive and forget.

Sleep in a haunted house

See a psychic and have my palm read.

Go to Times Square on New Year's Eve and count down as the ball drops

Eat at the Undersea Restaurant

See the cherry blossoms in full bloom around the Tidal Basin in Washington, DC



And although I may not accomplish everything on my list, it's nice to have hopes and dreams.