If you know me, I’m sure you have noticed in the past year I have not been myself. I am usually a very even-keeled, motivated, productive, Type-A person although some may describe me as impatient, time-conscious, controlling, and aggressive. About 3 months after my son was born, I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. This is something that I struggle with on a daily basis. I have to make myself get up in the morning, get dressed, and do the very basic things that I need to do to take care of my home, family and job. I sometimes feel as if I have completely lost my zest for life. There are days where I don’t want to do anything, I don’t want to go anywhere and I don’t want to talk to people. I sometimes feel as if I'm drowning under an ocean of anxiety. I feel as if a dark cloud is swirling around threatening to suffocate me. I like to think that I do a great job of hiding it, putting on that mask… so that no one really sees the real me. My husband has been an amazing support system; he knows that I hide it from others. I doubt that members of my family or his really see the real me. Not many see the struggles that I am going through.
I wish there was an easy way for you to see what goes on inside my head but there isn’t. I’m tired of constantly being sick, I’m tired of the migraines which my doctor seems to think is caused by stress and lack of sleep. It’s hard to sleep when your anxiety is at an all time high. My mind races and I just can’t shut it off. I know that because of postpartum depression and anxiety, I tend to take things the wrong way. I tend to think that people hate me, or talk about me behind my back. I feel as if I am not what people hoped I would be and I’m honestly tired of trying to be something I am not. It’s exhausting.
A lot of things factor into my depression, some of them which I am working on changing. It is hard though and it will take time. There are other things that I cannot control. I don’t mind hearing someone’s advice, but don’t always expect me to take the advice and run with it. I do not like people trying to tell me how to raise my child. I will raise my son however my husband and I see fit, if you don’t like it, too bad. I am also tired of people taking it upon themselves to do something that involves my family (i.e. My Husband, Son and I) and not speaking to us about it first. We decide our future and no one else. I don’t take it upon myself to make decisions for your family, so why do you think you can do it for mine?
I share all of this publicly because I feel it is important to be open and honest about this. This is real, this is my life. These are my feelings.
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